"Wallace"
"Whatever you saw there's an explanation"
"I am not saying it's a good explanation, it's obviously a bad explanation"
"But we can't just leave things like this. You have to call me back OK?"
"Wallace, whatever happened, I still love you"
"This message has been saved for 379 days"
"Message, deleted"
Yeah, that was supposed to be an anonymous fridge magnet poem
And here I am quietly judging you
Oh, I can handle it, I've humiliating myself much more thoroughly in front of people I actually know
Cheers
Sorry I moved your poem
This thing is weirdly addictive
Yeah, like face tattoos
The keeny ocean
There it is, there it is
Hi
Don't you guys meet?
Kind of, yeah
Wallace, this is my cousin Chantry she's an animator
Chantry, this is my college room mate Wallace
You're Wallace! -Yep
This is the first time he's been outside in like a year
Wow
Yeah
Hey, you do look pale
Is this is due like anemic or personal albino
It's both actually
He's been hibernating like a little bear cub because of his broken heart
Just not tell any people that and straight to my face
Anyway
Hey, do you guys know Becky?
She's small has brown hair and she's breaking about earing disorder?
I am Becky, it's been a while
Oh hello
So good to see you again
That Just what she sounds like
Can I give you a tour of the house
"Mi casa es tu casa" Come!
-Sì -"L' entrada"
To be fair, I don't always like parties either
Awkward, small talk is not my forte
It's "fort"
Actually "Forte" is Italian and means forcely , and "fort" is French for strength
But I would still say "forte" too because if you say "fort" around they think that you're wrong although it is the correct pronunciation
So is that like your thing?
Correcting people's pronunciation?
Yeah that's my thing
How is it going for you?
I have a dead end job, I live in my sister's attic and I basically never go out
correcting pronunciation is my all thing actually when your thing is oversharing
Here, take some of Allan's beer
Thank you
You actually knocked yourself out?
I think so, can I tell you something really weird?
My face is like permanently damaged, like
If you look up here you can feel there's like a... I think there's a contempt
So like... a... Quasimodo
Yeah
So ehm...
I've gotta go to the bathroom do you need anything like some dental floss or you know...expired aspirin?
Oh no, but I left a matchbox in there and I was hoping that all the women here they just could live one pubic hair
I'll just go around with like a party train
No,no, no they'll be in there, they will be fine. They're stuffing a pillow
Oh, hey
Oh, hi
I was just leaving without saying goodbye
like a dick
Yeah, that's totally what
I am doing as well
Where you...
I am just like couple blocks west
Me too
Would you like to walk together?
Yeah! Sure!
Cool
You know, I read in the tabloids that she's a cannibal and she faked Parkinson's
I know that too! Crazy!
Awful people, really
Ehm, this is actually me
Right,ehm,well,hey! I have a really good time talking to you
Yeah, me too wich is rare actually I'm
usually not that social so
Well ehm..
Maybe you'd like to talk again sometime
Yeah, definitely we should hang out
It would be lovely
Ok, so...
I'm gonna give you my number
Ok I will...
Top Secret!
Good
I do not mean this also lead...
No, me neither
My boyfriend will be worried about
what happened to me
So, you know
Call me
Yes, thank you very much
Nice to meet you
Nice meeting you
Cool
Good night
I have really good time talking with you
Yeah me too
My boyfriend will be wondering what happened to me
Hey what's up Felix!
You're all right?
Shi... I just drop an earing and your dinner is in the oven
What time will you be home?
If the day is good midnight
If the day is bad, eight
No, treats ok?
No horror movies and don't let him go on the roof
And don't sell his organs to the black market
Ok, I'm off!
Take care, have fun, good luck!
All right mate, close your eyes
Ok, you can open again
Thank you
Nothing gave Buttercup more pleasure than ordering Wesley around
Farm boy
Polish my horse saddle
I want see my face shining in it by morning
As you wish
As you wish was all he ever said
Thank you
Hey, need a ride?
Oh, hey!
Hey
No, I think we are ok thanks yeah...
Sorry, I didn't see you there
Oh, I also didn't see you
standing right next to me
Hi Wallace
Chantry
Yes
I am here alone
Me too
My boyfriend was supposed to come
But he had to work late so...
I like seeing movies by myself though
I think it's really cool you are here alone
Oh yeah, super cool
Yeah
Seriously?
Yeah, seriously
Wallace, I don't think you can have "Princess Bride" as one of your favorite movies if you actually think love makes you a worst person
Well look it's irrelevant "Princess Bride" it's a fairy tail
And fairy's tail love inspires you to be noble and courageous
but in real life love is just an all purpose excuse for selfish behavior
You can lie and cheat and hurt people and it's all ok cause you are in love
I don't know if you're actually cynical or just a super romantic crazy cheese ball
You did go seeing "Princess Bride" by yourself on a week night like a total looser
Yeah, well
Your boyfriend ditched you and you're still came by yourself so who's the real looser
Are you hungry?
I can believe you ordered deep fried pickles
Pickles are disgusting!
And pickling is like embalming basically
Like a pickle jar is like a tomb for cucumbers
I violated a tremendous amount of corpses in medical school
So I know that pickling is not the same as embalming
You are a doctor?
No, med school drop out
All right
How primitive
deep frying makes everything taste better
I don't like deep fried food
Wait you don't like French fries?
Eww...
Onion rings, fried chicken?
Nope
Fish and chips?
Gross
Funnel cake? Donuts? Deep fried banana sandwiches?
No, but Elvis ate those
And something called "fool's gold"
What is that?
I don't know exactly but I read on the internet that Elvis died with 14 pounds of undigested feces
still in his intestine
Thank you so much for telling me that in the middle of dinner
You're welcome
Maybe the next tome I gig a bite you can say diarrhea
Diarrhea
Is that like something you learned in medical school?
I thought they go through the...
All the famous people
All the famous people and how much feces where left in at the time of their death
Marie Antoinette?
Tons
Infact they had to guillotine her intestine as well as her head
Yeah, they just moved the body further along for the machine
Who do you think weights the feces?
I think as the king
It would have been like a job the people fought for
But if I can't dress him
What If I can't like, make him good for the open corsey
Can I at least touch his poop?
Do you think they've kept a little
Sure they did in a matchbox or something
Yeah
One of those little viles so you can wear it around your neck
Yeah, yeah, like a little shit locker
Yeah, that's...
So like I've been with Ben for five years and like
I totally get that guys don't wonna hang out with a girl with a boyfriend
It just sucks you know?
It's just like makes me feel like the only that's interesting about you is how you look like with your clothes off
I mean like, it should be easier to make friends if you have a boyfriend, there's no confusion
So is that it?
That's your big picture of you being my friend?
That was terrible!
Yeah, I know I know I just, I practiced in the mirror and...
Anyway
Friends?
Yeah, why not
Ok
Friends
Is it what you say make friends is like a business deal?
Yeah, actually is just my style
Oh, is quite unnerving, but is good
You can't write : "What's shaking hot pants"
Have you seen anyone wearing hot pants in the last five years
That homeless man who shouts the people in the pool?
So, I found this website where
they explain what fool's gold is
You take a loaf of Italian white bread
you coat it in butter
and bake it
Than you hollow out the inside
And coat it with an entire jar of peanut butter
and an entire jar of jam
Than you stuff it with a pound of crispy bacon
The website said it's a eight to ten people or one Elvis
and tell the people there is like 10.000 calories and bacon is not even a food it's just pure fat
championbeefcake1@hotmail.com Re: Just pure fat
I can confirm how much feces where in Elvis's colon when he died
But I did find out how he discovered fool's gold
They got an a jet, private jet
fly to Denver
Get to Denver, order the fool gold's king which was delivered to the plain
eat them, flying back to Graceland without ever getting off the plain and
the best part is
February 1st
1976
the day my parents got married
Wallace!
Got it!
It starts dirty, it ends dirty
a relationship that starts with a breakup is doomed to end with a breakup
Remember who said that?
Me
You, after Vicky Cardero gave me a blowjob at her boyfriend's Ken party
and I want her to ask her out on a date
Now, I recall you ignored that advice
What was the result?
It ended dirty, it ended up on fist fight dirty
But this is not generate any fist fight
I am not trying to break them up
I am happy just being friend with her
This is the house worming gift for Nicole
Why are you buying her an house worming gift, she's moving to your house!
Well girls really about this sort of stuff and rather over compensate
How much for the flying moo's?
This dinner is a terrible idea
Normally, I wouldn't care about you tumbling a miss and mess with a girl and her boyfriend
I even rejoice at the statistically tiny but mathematical chance of a threesome
But this is my cousin!
I accidentally saw her labia one time
Immediately, explosive diarrhea
Oh, but you are misreading this whole situation because you can't interact with a woman without screwing it up
But I can, because I am a grownup
And so adorable that you really believe that
More importantly, this is your bed side lamp
Do you think the worm glow will make you feel more sexually experimental?
Absolutely
What do you think?
I've the same one at home!
It's like the worst thing that's ever happened in human history
Was is it even worse the coming of the meteor hit the earth and kill all the dinosaurs?
Yes, my breakup is definitely worse than a stupid meteor
I just can't believe that Rob cheated on you!
With a grad student!
No, I know!
Her thesis is probably in how to be a roughest whore
And I really liked him
I'm so sorry
I liked him so much I even wanted to sleep with all of his friends to get back at him
Maybe I will but I am not going to enjoy it
Have thought at Billy like the slightly skanky option for rebounding?
No...
This is something you have to do
I'm just gonna go because I don't wanna wreck your dinner party
No, no it's not a dinner party! It's just like my friend, Wallace
Stay! This Wallace guy could be a good reboud for you!
Ok
Please go easy on him, he's delicate!
Hi!
Hey
Thank you!
Go boos!
That's so nice!
You welcome
You can take care of put off
Oh, thank you very much. God this place it's like imagined!
Really!
Well I mean,yeah, a part from more pot pourri and doilies and stuffed animals knowing you
Yeah
I put all that stuff away, I knew it weirds you out
Ben! Wallace is here
Hi
Hey Wallace how are you?
Hi
Sorry
No worries
Thanks for coming by
Nice to meet you man, thank you
Hey, everybody
Wallace, this is my sister Dalia
So nice to meet you
Hi
Hello
You smell really good!
Really?
Yeah, I didn't mean it just smells really bad in here
No, he smells great but it is getting kind of oninig in here can someone open the window?
Yeah, ok
Right over there!
So, Wallace, I'd like to get your opinion on something
Eh, yeah?
Europe
The continent?
See?
Is it? Is it?
Yes, it is a continent, it is a continent
He's from that continent you should know
If you look at a map, any any map, Europe is not a separate continent is clearly part of Asia
Right, all right so , if Europe isn't a continent, than why is it a continent?
Because Europeans are the ones who decide what the continents are
and they didn't want to get all teamed with that all...
you know Asians...
Ben, is trying to change the world from the inside out
Euroasia that's how they should call it. Europe + Asia, Euroasia
Ok
Who wants more wine?
Please, I need my glass!
Yeah
And so Ben, what it is exactly that you do with UN?
I am a part of a international consortium of lawyers with the UN mandate to negotiate global copyright standards
But more importantly, are you trying to sleep with my girlfriend?
Oh, don't worry we're just talking guy
Ok, they think we're still talking about international copyright law
Ok
Now look I have no problem with the concept of Chantry having guy friends but if you're trying to split us up so you can move in...
No,no,God, I wouldn't do that I just wanna be friends with her and with you
Friends is fine
Ok i can do friends
But you better try to not put your penis in her vagina ok?
Ok
Every country has different laws, so it's like just like a nightmare but I think it's important working on I think it's worth it
Yeah, that is impressive, very impressive
Shit, you all right?
My God, my eye!
What is it?
He just verbed his eye
My eye, it's really burning
Did you have the...
Yes I did!
Oh my God!
Wallace, medical school what would you...
Ok, well do you have a salinizer to inject for the use of contact?
Yes, Ben wears contact!
It's in the bathroom!
Ok, where?
Through that door!
Yeah
What do I do hon?
It's on the rag! Just give another rag dammit!
Di là!
Shit!
Oh my God Ben! Are you ok?
Ok, don't move!
Ben! -Do something! -Call 901!
Ok stay right there! Don't move!
I am sorry!
You look fine!
Ah it hurts me! it hurts me!
Stay still
What if I am paralyzed!
You're not paralyzed I'm gonna get you just something for the pain right here
I hope you'll relax
Oh, like I wanted, if I relax too much what if I loose control of my boweling functions
What if I shit myself
You know that actually happens more than you think
It's the worst part of my job
Here we go!
You shouldn't be eating!
Stress made me hungry!
I could never be a fighter pilot, I weighted like 500 pounds I wouldn't be able to fit in the cockpit
So, what's the prognosis doc?
He'll need the cast for few more weeks but the neck brace is a precaution
And he'll probably be out in the morning
Well Chantry if you are going to spend the night I can wait here with Ben, do you guys want something to eat?
What are you getting?
Tuna salad?
I hate hospitals
Me too
I've spent a lot of time in hospitals as a child
Because of all your deformities?
No,my parents met at "Sgt Clinton's"
He does cardiology she's an orthopedics
He actually proposed her on the roof of "Joan's Cross" hospital in London
It's romantic
Yeah, until the affairs
She cheated on him he cheated on her
It's just a mess
How old were you when they've got divorced?
Ehm... Seven I think
Ehm... You don't know how to teleport? Do you?
No...
Ok, my old friend I just have to apologize for the hardly awkward situation you are going to witness
Hi
Chantry... This is Megan
My well, my nothing in particular
Nice to meet you
Wallace, what are you doing here, are you sick?
Ehm...Chantry's boyfriend fell out the window
But he's ok
Do you want me to looking on him?
No, that wont be necessary
I'm gonna go we only get 15 minutes to eat lunch
Don't get the dangle with smoked salmon or the tuna salad they're really anything with th see food in it
The company that stocks the vending machine has built 4 health inspections but manager's brother works for the primary's office
I'm sorry I've been on shift for 18 hours and I am really tired and I had so much coffee and when I saw her
I thought maybe she was your new girlfriend
and that made me wanna cry
It's weird that I am saying this out loud right?
Woah and it is
I just want us to be friends
Not today but someday
Whatever he said about me
it wasn't a black way situation
He said anything about you
He's never even mentioned you
Ok, was nice to meet you
I hope your boyfriend feels better
Thank you
That was my ex girlfriend
Yeah?
Yeah
Dude, you really fingerbanged me over this new manual
Is fingerbang good or bad
You enjoy being fingerbanged?
No, I have never been fingerbanged
Take a guess
Probably not
Definitely not!
Nobody wants to get fingerbanged
all those girls you fingerbanged in high school they didn't like it
They didn't just want to have sex with me and you, us men... men...
I'm off topic
God, I hoped so
Ah, yeah, manual
It needs a lot of work, so I'll give you another wee... month
Extra month, so make it
make it right
Hang on a second
Seriously Josh?
Is this where we're doing it?
With the wood?
But I think it may be cleaner some place else
You're blocking the shot so
Oh, sorry, keep going Josh!
Duche
It is total bullshit that Josh got the project manager job over you
Everyone knows that whole thing is your design and not Josh's and he's acting like it was his
It's like sexism or something
Our boss is a woman
I am so pissed that I gave Josh a handjob at the Christmas party
In your defense it is kind of your annual tradition to give one of our coworkers a candy for Christmas
Listen, guys, Hollie offered me the promotion first, I turned it down
What? Why?
Because I like to be an animator
And the one, the project manager has to do with so much more like hustle and paperwork and
meetings and Josh's gonna end stuck in Taiwan half a year
And all the extra power and money and travels really that sucks for him
Stop she doesn't want the hustle ok
she's got a great job a great boyfriend
great friends like me, kind of you
She's happy just the way things are right?
Right
Good, there they are
Serving per pack about 107
About
Just in case you wanna eat all at once straight
that is not a good idea
Please don't please don't eat it all
Come on
I wanna know what the weird shit is, and what are the animal parts that you think are trash but are actually food
Chantry, I've been waiting for the right moment to talk to you about this
but I think maybe is better just to stop building up how to say it
Ok, is everything ok?
Oh, no,yeah,yeah,yeah, of course yeah
Ok, so we've been together for years
and it feels like our relationship it's about to last no matter how the future holds
I've been asked to take charge for the European negotiation
It's a six month contract
But the thing is that the team is based in Ieland
So, I would have to live in Dublin
although I'd have to travel around the whole continent
You mean the subcontinent but that's ok
Right
Look, this is important to me, but there's nothing more important than you
So if you feel like, the longest this thing is too much, I'll turn it down
This is a huge opportunity for you, right?
Lead negotiator?
I love you
"Go Felix!"
Dude, I'm not saying you can't eat it, I'm saying you get horribly sick
But it wouldn't keel you, you can eat your own poop
But if you eat the poop that you pooped out after eating the first poop it's so toxic you'll die
So you can eat your poop once, but not twice
Excuse me
Ok, where did you get beer at a children's karate tournament?
Little beer to the children doing the other tournament
So Wallace, we should know each other better talking about complex issues of our time
gay marriage
abortion
committed women willing be friends
or do you secretly wanna bang Chantry
Thank you, she has a boyfriend
Yeah, who you threw out of the window
By accident!
Dude, listen, Ben is moving to Dublin
and you whole if it starts dirty it ends dirty thing it's bullshit anyways
the night I met Alan
I was so into him that it wasn't till I woke up in his bed
the next morning that I even remembered I had any boyfriend
Love is dirty baby
sometimes is dam right filthy
Thinking in your own poop
Christ
I need to wear something to this company dinner with our production partner from Taiwan
What do you think?
I think, that's quite a dress
A little too slutty for me
No, nothing is too slutty for you
Can I help you?
Yeah, actually I'd like to try on that dress
We only have the one left and it's a size 2, are you a 2?
Yes
I'm gonna get the measuring tape
I'm a 2
Wallace
Wallace!
Yes
Are you alone?
Like, in the universe?
No, in the hallway!
Yes
Do you need me to get someone?
No, no, don't get anyone
I need you to come in here
What?
I'm kind of stuck so I need you to crawl under but keep your eyes closed
Really?
I can't escape from the dress you need to close your eyes and keep them close, do you promise to close your eyes and keep them closed?
Yes, I promise!
Hurry!
What did you open your eyes?
No, I just banged my head because I couldn't find the closet
Ok, so here's what happened
I tried it on
and I think it got outta of my bra or something and
Right
You are not gonna laugh are you?
I can't even see what's going on
Are your eyes closed?
Yes
You need to move a bit
That yeah
Ah, you all right?
No, it's stuck it's stuck
Ok, turn around, turn to me
Thank you
It's ok
It's all wet
Here, hold this
And keep your eyes closed
I like you so much I wanna just rip out your arms and legs and carry out on my purse all day
I love you so much I wanna grind up your muscles and organs and bones and spread you on a toast
I love you so much I wanna just cut you open and scoop all your inside and wear your skin around town like an Allan suit
Ok, bye Wallace!
Bye Nicole
Ciao!
Can I talk to you about something?
I just had sex and I'm about to eat Nachos!
Is the greatest moment of my life
Unless you screw it up with whatever it is you're about to say
It's about your cousin
She's my cousin so like incest
She's not my cousin!
Yeah, but you're like my brother so it's like my brother asking my advice on how to incestously bang my cousin
No, she, she has a boyfriend
Yeah, is been coming home for Thanks giving and Christmas for the five past years
Ok let me break it down for you
This perfect nacho chip is Ben
He works at the United Nation as an expert in international copyright law
This molded banana is you
I have no idea of what you're doing because every time you tell me than I fall asleep
You, know I write user manuals for dedicate proxies and software
Ok, like copyright law is so exciting!
At least is an expert in something what are you an expert in, nothing?
Hello people I'm alone in the world seeking an advice on every subject
Bes has been dating Chantry for five years
They live together
They own furniture, they have a cat
You have nothing you don't even have a plant
You've been single since that duchebag Megan broke your fragile little heart
I broke up with Megan all right? She wanted to stay together and work it out, I said no.
So I dumped her
Of course you do
Anyway I get it's fine
like she's on a relationship nothing is gonna happen
You totally killed my sex nacho high
Passport, phone,keys wallet and yes... this
It's an open ticket to Dublin, it's a 5 hour flight
It's already paid for us so use it for whenever you want, even if it's for a week end even if it's for a day
Even if it's just for a kiss
Ok?
No,no,baby,baby I've gotta go, I've gotta go the cab's here I'm so sorry I can't miss my flight
Ok, I'm so late, ok?
Ok baby?
Good bye
I love you
I love you too
Bye
Hey it's me, sorry I missed your call
I'm in Berlin
Hey it's me I'm in Munich
Hey, I'm in Prague
"I'm in Amsterdam" "I'm in Florence" " Yeah honey I'm in Vienna now"
I've got your message cellar reception in Athens is a little mess. Did you get my postcard?
Hey it's me why don't you call me right before you go to bed even if it's a weird time here, I just wanna hear your voice
So I finally get my cast off and my arm is all smelly and cruel
If I'd stalk you up, it would be like you would cheating on me with my evil twin
Please tell me more on how you wanna molest me with your protuberant freak arm
You'd love Dublin though
They got us all stay in the same apartment building so the all office is basically
living together but I've already make good friends, it's nice but I just
You know I miss you so much
Yeah I know I really miss you too
Look I've gotta go ok?
I love you
Ok
See ya
Ok
All right, speak tonight
All right I'll talk you then
Bye, bye
Bye
Sorry
No worries, black for you, milk for me
Cheers
Ya
So, is Ben settling ok?
Yeah, he's great, he's doing great and he's having a great time
Are you having a great time?
Not really, I'm having kind of a crap time actually
I'm sorry
Yep, right now, this is the hype in my social calendar
So that is sad
You know, I've been thinking about just starting drinking
Yeah?
Yeah
Heavily
Do you need someone start drinking with you?
Really?
Very willing
You wanna help me drawn my sorrows?
Of course absolutely
Done
Bottoms up!
Oh my God
Horrible, half a way
And cheap
All right, prospective, woman at this bar for you
I don't think that anyone I would actually like would ever come in a place like this
You're here Wallace!
Yeah, because you drag in me in!
So!
Look at this girl she's so pretty!
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, no she's super pretty!
Oh, ok
Do you want me to go tell her that you have 6 nipples?
Yeah, no, you know what I'll do it myself it will be easy if it will come from me
Thank you
You welcome
I'm sorry, hi! Oh, wow amazing see, sorry can I buy this drink for you?
Yeah, that's so sweet
Thank you
You welcome, so
Burned!
All right, weirdest place you ever had sex
Bakery night shift
I'll be never be capable to eating a cupcake again
What about you
Fair's wheel
Stuck at the very top we could see for miles around
no one could see us
Thank you for being so gracious in victory
And class of champions
And rubbing in
So, how many boyfriends do you actually had?
Four!
Two in high school and one in college before Ben and then Ben, you?
Six?
One in high school, one summer after high school, three in college, and one six, no sorry, two six, so seven
Are you the dumper or dumped?
Statistically I am a dumper, but so like I never been dumped, I've been just really good knowing when to get out
No, I've never dumped anyone I always tried to make it worse
You, know I never hit the ball scene like in a very long time
I've thought it was the worst thing ever, but that was almost painless
I'm just sorry you didn't find true love tonight
Ah well you can't have it all
And what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you
The worst thing that's ever happened to me is
Kind of the best thing it's ever happened to me
Megan you met the other day
I've bust in on her making out with a frankly gross anatomy professor and I was like
Wow
we actually are my parents
We are almost both doctors and we are already starting cheating on each other
So I got out of that and
yeah, so in a way that became the best thing that ever happened to me
So, what is the worst thing that ever happened to you?
My mum died when I was in junior high
She had breast cancer
You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does
Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again
Can I change my answer
Because the worst thing that ever happened to me
is saying my lame relationship drama is the
worst thing that ever happened to me when something really
awful happened to you
It's ok
I like you answer
Plus I get two parts of the worst part of your life now that's really good
And for future reference when the answer is your mum died of cancer you should really go first
All right thanks for the educative lesson
No worries
Good night Wallace
Good night Chantry
You know he has all these new experiences he's meeting all these new people
and then you say what's going on with you and it's like
Well I'm in the middle of my same old life except to woops my boyfriend out of the country
So Daila was telling us about this Wallace guy
We are friends
Well, no, I know obviously you guys are friends but
is he cute should you maybe been introducing him to your single always desperate friends like me
No, no
I've already call tips on him
Why?
Because he was supposed to be my rebound after Rob
And that's why it didn't work out, no I needed a buffer between Rob and all
a buffer made of sex
You little prostitute!
Dalia, you barely know him
Well you know him you're hanging out with him all the time, so he's not a looser
he hasn't made some like creepy move on you, so we know he's not a creep
He's valid
Well is he funny or smart?
He's definitely smart, he's not funny, he's like kind like a Mantry
He's like a male version of Chantry
No wait so he's a Mantry?
Oh no!
He is a "Mantry"!
Daila wants have rebound sex with her sister's man twin
Option one make a move on her
Bold, direct
If you're lucky you hook up, she feels guilty breaks up with Ben
If your not lucky she's furious, end of friendship
So be sleazy
Ya
And you think that will work?
No
I think either she goes forward, she resents you forgetting her to cheat on Ben
she'll break up with him but she wont go out with because you're
Sleazy
Yeah, option 2
Be the guy she goes to for advice
The down side is you have to listen her talking about Ben all the time
the upside is you can slay your advice to slowly turn her against him
So be conniving
Yeah
And that will work
Maybe, but maybe she'll see through it and think you're
Conniving
Yeah, option 3
Patiently wait it out
Eventually hiding at the distance gets to detonate brake up or it doesn't and
They get married live a happy life with you always on the outside looking in
Quietly pining indefinitely
So be pathetic
Yeah
That sounds fun
Well it's got the advantage of not being particularly unethical but it's got the disadvantage of being
Pathetic -Yeah
So your advice would be to be sleazing, conniving or pathetic
When you put it that way doesn't sound like a very good advice
Oh, my God, do you like it?
Well it's not my engagement ring is whether she'll like it
I think she'll love it
Then you're made for each other
Why did you go all sneaky while talking about Wallace earlier
Come on!
Look you just like, you don't have the greatest track record of the guy, that's all
You think I'm gonna break his heart and mess up your friendship?
No well
So you think I'm not good enough for him?
Obviously not, that's obviously not what it is
Ok well someone needs harness like with you and Ben
someone just want a guy who doesn't feel just like a crap all the time
There is a fourth option to be honest
Tell her how you feel
might ruin the friendship but at least you stood up like a man and expressed your feelings
Wait I'm sorry since when this being a man involve expressing your feelings
Did I miss a memo because if I recall being a man means hide your feelings forever
Like Bruce Willis, you've never seen Bruce Willis expressing his feelings
Most you ever get out of Bruce is a hint of melancholy at the edge of a smirk
You think Bruce Willis will be happy just being friends?
100% honesty is the foundation of any relationship
What you are 100% honest with Nicole about everything?
Yep
Wait New Orleans 2006, what was her name... Fabia?
Yeah she did look like a woman to be fair
99% honesty is the foundation of any relationship
It's not worth the risk not if it means loosing her as a friend
So there's option 5
What's that?
You move on
Hello
Hello, welcome to our engagement party
we are so happy to have everybody we care about together in one space
Here's the thing, we both really want to get married
But we hate weddings 'cause every wedding we have ever been to completely sucked
Sorry aunt Cathy, uncle Bil and Olivia
And we don't like long engagements so
we are getting married
Here!
Tonight!
Zelda is our register civil officiant
And Mum I brought your wedding dress and I'll put it on if that's ok
Becky is gonna be the close maid of honor
Wallace!
He's gonna be my best man! Thank you very much everyone stay away from my uncle Ernie
Ok i beg I don't need your finger calming my wisps I am serious
Nicole, I've been sent to get an ETA
Oh, is that Wallace? Just come in
Wow you look amazing
Yes, Becky seriously if I don't get some alcohol I'm gonna have a panic attack
Ok, I'll run
No, you stay Becky is more nervous than I and frankly is freaking me out, now go
You stay talk to me
So?
So
So?
What?
Why are you torturing yourself over what could be a ten second conversation with Chantry that will answer you everything?
Nicole, please is your wedding day, could we talk about you?
Exactly, it's my wedding day
as best man is your job to keep me calm so I don't crawl out of that window and go bang a sailor
Where are you even gonna find a sailor?
At the dock!
God, what's the best case scenario?
Wallace I love you let's have sex forever until we die having sex
That is the best case scenario
Ok, and what's the worst case scenario
Wallace you shit dressing liar I thought we were friends but
this whole time you've just been trying to put your junk inside my trunk
Everything involving the phrase put your junk inside my trunk actually would be the worse case scenario
Look, the one thing I like about getting married
is that you've got to stand up in front of everyone you care
about and state for the record that you believe in the best case scenario!
Terrifies me
But that's why the often it's so nice
Cheers
I've got her, she's mine, my wife
Mummy!
I can't believe no one stopped that
That's amazing
And I learned a lot of lessons that night about
gambling addictions and identity theft and
Romanian legal systems
but the most important lesson I learned
was from Nicole
and it was about friendship
I love you Nicole
So much fun
She has even practiced
Go Wallace!
Thank you, thank you
For those of us who begrudgingly call Allan a friend
It seems impossible that any woman could handle him for an hour let alone a life time
But then you meet Nicole!
And that is the good news here
If these two can find each other then there
truly is somebody for everyone
The bad news is that one day they will procreate and their hideous offspring will obviously cause the apocalypse
But tonight we celebrate the good news
I remember the night Allan and Nicole met
And that instinct connection
If you're lucky it happens once in a life time
And if you are unlucky
then you have to come to weddings and hear people like me talking about it and assume that we are all helpless romantics
It's very easy to be cynical about love
But this tonight
this is hard
So to Allan and Nicole
for making the hard way look easy
Cheers
Thanks every one I'm done
Are you sure it's so near here for me
Yeah, I know I am all about the door to door service
Ok
Can you get me out?
Sure
Oh gosh German cars!
Good night
Wallace you clean up nice
Yes, so do you
Ok
Good night
Bye!
-Bye -Bye
Great, thank you very much
Listen
I don't think it's a good idea me for to come inside with you
What?
Don't get all mad cause I mean if you're not going mad I guess we can make up for a couple of minutes but we are not
having sex
No, I'm not sure that's a good idea
Ah because I wanna have sex with you?
It's really nice Wallace
No, that's not what I meant
I am just kidding!
What part are you kidding about?
All of it
I am very confused by this conversation
Fine! Let's go inside!
You, my sister, you scored!
No this is not what it looks like
Ok, it is what it looks like
She's super hot plus she's like 99% genetically identical to me so
Anyway have fun
making out with my sister
Actually just FYI if you go through this
you can be pretty much absolutely positive I will never ever ever ever have sex with you ever
Ever!
I'm sorry Daila look, I think you're great but
I can't do this
Ah così pensi che sia fantastica!
I don't I don't throw myself at guys like
ever I just made an exception for you cause I thought you were cute and you think I am great?
Great!
-Get tha fuck out! -Sorry!
Get tha fuck out, do I look like a Brazilian for this shit? Good bye!
Jesus
Hello
Ben, hi
Hi, are you ok? It's like the middle of the night there
I'm really good
Really, just a little bit drunk
Oh, perfect
I am wearing such a fancy fancy dress
I see
Hang on a second, hang on a second!
Listen very closely ok?
Okey dokey
Really closely
Did you hear that?
It's the sound of me unzipping
my very very fancy dress
Well that's good news
And I happen to be wearing
really cute panties under
You are?
Also like a bra that totally, totally, matches
Can you picture me in there?
Hey, can you picture me out of them
I definitely can the thing is I'm just in the middle of the Brazilian presentation now
That's not to say I don't fully support the concept it sounds, it sounds very interesting
and I would like to continue discussing it any later time
Ok, I confirm
Bye
Please carry on
You never asked me what happened with Wallace the other night
I am respecting your privacy
Big stupid fat jerk
I hate him
Ok
He propositioned me
He said like dirty, disgusting things he wanted to do me
Me, your little sister
That's so terrible!
I know and I tried to warn him I am not that kind of girl and he just like
flew into a rage and he attacked me and he tried to brake all my finger and broke elbows out
So the cops had to come and put him off me
The cops came?
Yeah but he just shot them on the face and they all died
And some of them had little kids they'll never know their father and he didn't care he was just like
laughing and shooting them all and he had a huge boner
And then he said he's wanna come to your house and kill you
While you were sleeping
Yeah, that's sounds exactly like Wallace
Have you talked to him lately?
No
So he didn't say anything about me completely humiliating myself in front of him?
No
Well he's a big stupid ugly jerk and you shouldn't be friend with him anymore
Ok
Look how pregnant I can make me myself look
Wanna feel my baby?
It's so hard!
-Oh my God he kicked! -Shut up!
I'm gonna make you raise it
I'm firing Josh the Taiwan team hates him, nobody listens to him
On the plus side I hear is banging enough time one of his girls to qualify for the duchebag Olympics
so there's a silver lining
That's unfortunate
I need someone full time in Taiwan to clean up Josh's mess and I want it to be you
This whole thing is your concept if we had hired you as the project manager from the start we'd had saved a lot of time
Honestly I just I don't even know if I'd like enjoying being a project manager so
You get an apartment, car, language lesson, obviously a raise. I need your answer by the end of the month
And to make clear this is the last time I offer you a promotion
Ok, I got it
Holly
I'm gonna think about it I promise
So I was reading this thing about how
when they were trying to name Cool Whip
They came up with 10.000 ideas
Like they brainstormed 10.000 ideas
And none of them was cool as Cool Whip
No Cool Whip was the best that's what they said
And then they said just try to like think like 10 of your own just to see like how hard it is
Cooper
Puffy whip
Creamy Dream
Zip topping
Angel pot
Angel gas
Angel cum
Angel tear gas
Bruce springs cream and the Eiffelment
Puff him love him
Dump that pop on my face
We master cool and the puff brigade
Please pleased
Semen salvation
Non hatching screen former
Shop the shelf on food
Whippy Peeping toms
How many is that?
I don't know
"The Eye" (magazine) it's not that hard
Let's go swimming!
I didn't bring my suit, did you bring your suit?
No
We should take our clothes off
Yeah
Are you gonna go get me? Yeah!
Very warm, ohh it's cold it's cold it's cold
It's cooooold!!!
Allan!
You wanna go swimming?
Yeah
Do you think it will be cold?
Yeah
You've got a tattoo
Yeah
Yeah it's
I know it's
It's your mum, right?
-Oh God-What?
Something just hitched my foot, no it's really gross!
It's not funny!
Head to the spot light
Oh, wow!
Yeah wow
I'll look if you look
Ok
Where are our clothes?
Did we drift further down? - No the fire is right there
Yeah they took our clothes
Oh God
The car is gone
God how did it get so cold, it wasn't that cold at all before it was a like a warm night
You keep the sleeping bag I'll figure something out
No I can't you'll just like spend the night on the sand like all cold and wet and naked like a Wallace
Do you think that's funny?
Do you think this is like some hilarious prank played on us by our wacky pals? Because I don't!
No, I don't I just thought you were trying lighting the mood with mildly amusing joke involving your worries and
sorry if I misunderstood the seriousness of your worries reference
Don't be an asshole!
Don't be an asshole?
Yes you are you're being an asshole cause you're not taking this seriously and treating it like it's a joke when it's not a joke!
There's a line, a I line that should not be crossed
So they crossed it and you were
treating it like a joke is being an asshole!
I'm not treating this like a joke and I'm not being an asshole
Allan is being an asshole and Nicole is being an asshole and right now you are kind of being an asshole
Me I'm standing here with a branch
a brunch that covers approximately 0% of the wind shield factor on my dick ok?
I've got a brunch you have a sleeping bag how does this make me an asshole?!
Fine
Fine? What does fine mean?
Fine means we'll share!
Chantry
What?
They brought our clothes back
I'll never doubt you again
Hey you guys had fun last night?
-Sleep well? -You are an asshole!
Watch out for the stairs, they are a bit steep, watch out where you go!
Chantry?
Giulia is part of the Argentinian negotiating team
she was in the apartment next door a bunch of us
just went for a drink after work and I was
just helping her home
Ben I'm not accusing you of anything
You need no worry about his fidelity
and not some beautiful but morally corrupt Argentine girl
Why you didn't tell me you were coming Chantry
Because I just wanted to surprise you
Surprise!
Ok, I'm going to go to my apartment now
and stuff wool socks in my ear so I don't hear your love making through the wall
And I am keeping this meat
Good night, sorry you startled me this is not how I planned to welcome you to Dublin!
Are you still startled?
Should like I use more milk?
Welcome to Dublin
When trying to come up with the name for Cool Whip they brainstormed 10.000 ideas
What is Cool Whip?
It's a kind of processed cream cames in a spray can
Oh, I had some Cool Whip, I prefer it it's a fresher cream
But when they tried to come up with the name for that product they brainstormed 10.000 ideas
and they said like try to come up with 10 of your own to feel how hard it is
Like "Puffy whip" or
"Whiffy puff"
"Puffy air" "Whippy air"
"Calm mixture"
-Sweet dreams -Sweet dreams
"Cotton wool candy cow"
That could be one
"Cloudy Cow"?
You must be really proud of our Benjamin
He has the Brazilians on the run
You know he has the whole negotiation in his hands?
We are so happy that is able to stay for another 6 months
and his Portuguese is really coming
is going to be so good by the time we get to Rio de Janeiro
Look I haven't accepted the offer yet, obviously I was planning and talking to you about it first but I mean
I love it here, not just the work, the people, the culture the music
You've never asked me to move here with you, when you got the job you've never asked me to come out here
I don't wanna ask you to quit the job you love and I mean you never offered
You never asked
Well ok I am asking you now
I mean there must be animation companies here
I can do that to Holly she's been generous enough to give me this week to make my decision
Ok so take the job!
It doesn't have to be a bad thing you'd in Taipei I'd be here we can meet in the middle
Like in Toronto
No like, Tel Aviv, Instanbul, Mumbai
It will be a story we can tell our kids!
It's romantic
Sounds lonely
Look I'm just trying to make this work ok?
Don't you wanna make this work?
Do you guys wanna borrow some of my balls?
I think someone sharded and it may be Mrs. Pool?
Every one check, check shard check
You can look up on Urban Dictionary
Fail you couldn't find that stone if it was in your kidney
I can see your back underneath your blouse!
Look at you just drunkly spitting out joy like a shit Santa
Yep
That's you now yeah?
Nicole spent the night at Beckie's we had a fight
Our first fight as a married couple
Tada! You want a beer?
Sure
I'm sorry
Ok?
I let Nicole talk me into it even tough I knew it was a bad idea
I am not like you man
I can't just hook up with somebody if they're already with someone else
is wrong, is wring
when my set it to each other, it was wrong when Nicole did it to me
it was wrong when you and Nicole did it to her ex
You don't think the fact that we got married kind of justifies it?
I don't not unless you wanna be married with somebody who's just might cheating
Hey, that's my wife ok?
Nicole, talks a good game but she's been hurt like everybody else
Her ex was a dick
treated her real bad
It's complicated all this love shit it's complicated and that's good
Because if it's too simple you've got no reason to try and if you've got no reason to try you don't
Oh wait I just described you
You maybe right
But either way you are an asshole Allan
Hit a three pointer!
-Hi -Hi
Come in or whatever
I just jumped over here to feed the cat
But if I don't shower away my purr throw company gets me like this zickness on my forehead
So why are you feeding the cat?
So it doesn't starve to death?
Yeah, but why can't Chantry feed it
Because she flew to Dublin?
She flew to Dublin?
Yes, of course she did
You like her!
You like Chantry!
Oh get in the shower I can see a blackhead from here
No don't get all suited with me cause you're so busted!
Look I'm not in love with your sister all right?
You are a nice ish guy and you're amusing but Chantry loves Ben
They're gonna get married and they'll live happily ever after and
you're just gonna be this guy that she was friend with for a couple of months
Who's name Walter? I don't know?
So you just gonna do whatever you need to do to go over it ok?
Cause is never gonna happen
Welcome to Dublin thank you for flying with us
She's gone
Is she coming back?
Wallace is Chantry I'm getting out the plain right now and I'm just wondering if you're free for lunch tomorrow
Like noon? At the George Street's tavern?
There's something I want to talk you about
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Taxi!
George Street diner
-Hi -Hey
Oh my God what did you do to yourself
Ninja attack
-Those stupid Ninjas! -I know
-I hate them! -Me too very annoying
Thank you
-How you doing? -Hi!
-So, I went to Dublin right -Yes
Listen there's like a bunch of stuff that's going with me that I haven't told you about because
I haven't been sure what the right thing to do is
Wallace, your face is just terrible
Oh don't worry about it really what were you gonna say
Ok so
It's just that
I've been having to do a lot of
Big picture thinking about
Wallace seriously I cannot concentrate because of your mangled head what did you do to yourself?
Did you hit yourself or something? Car accident?
You walked into a door?
Ben punched me
I flew to Dublin
Why did you fly to Dublin
To tell you how I feel about you
That's not why
Look I wanted to be honest with you
You could have been honest with me anytime
You flew to Dublin to break up me and Ben
Right?
How long have you felt this way
Pretty much since the day we've met
So
When I said I have a boyfriend and I just want to be friends and you said that's what you wanted too that was a lie?
No I wanted that to be true
But it wasn't you never wanted to be my friend
Look we are friends I wasn't just trying to put my junk inside your trunk
I told Ben you weren't that kind of guy but you are totally that kind of guy
God you must think I'm such an idiot, you must think I'm such an idiot
Of course not Chantry
I trusted you and we've always said we were friends
But you can't be friends with someone if you're just skulking around waiting for some opportunity to screw them
What are you talking about I'm not...
It's not like you caught me bathing in orphan blood or masturbating onto a kitten I just
I like you a little bit more romantically than I let on it's not a crime
And if it is you're not exactly innocent
What's that's supposed to mean?
You crossed all the same line as I did and I was single you weren't
I've never cheated on anybody
-I know you're making me feeling I sorted of cheated on Ben? -Hold on
I'm making you feel like that
Wait and you did nothing to hide my possibly misconstrue
That night on the beach I'll look if you'll look
Would you tell Ben about that?
That was a mistake
This was a mistake
-I'm leaving -Please no Chantry -No I'm leaving the country -What you're moving to Dublin? -No
I've been offered a job in Taiwan
I'm putting my career first so
I'll be gone soon for a year
Maybe more
It's a really big promotion
Congratulations
See you around Wallace
Uncle Wallace
Not rigth now Felix!
Can I talk to you
Felix I said not right now
I'm having a bad life
What are you doing that's so important that you don't have time for your nephew if he needs you
I'm not his dad
-All right is your responsibility not mine -Fine
I'm a bad mum
And when Fil grows up he can blame me...
For all his problems... and...fff...continues...
I'm doing the best I can
We did all of us can do except you!
You don't know nothing about...
What's wrong?
You chocking?!
All right I'm gonna try Heilmich here
Ok again, a big one!
God
Ellie you know you're not a bad mum right?
It wasn't exactly my plan that you should be my son's primary male role model
But you are
Mine
Gross
This expired months ago
Yeah, it's probably Ben's
So if it's not yours you throw it away?
Let me guess you're not talking about salsa
I just think you're making a huge mistake
You really think Taiwan is a mistake?
Yes I do, I think you're totally screwing up your life actually
Or not babe?
I just don't have any idea of what I am doing
I'm gonna be all the way over there and I'm not gonna have anybody with me and I'm gonna be all alone at night when
I'll have all these new huge responsibilities and
you're gonna be so far away and Ben and
and there's you know
Wallace?
Yeah
Have you herd from him?
No, but I think I messed it up really bad
I called him a liar
And I think I might be the liar
Yes
I mean I think it might counts as lying if you're lie to yourself
No, come here!
I think everything like turned out for the best I'm
I'm going back to med school
I sent in my application today
Oh, so you just gave up
No, I'm not giving up I'm
I'm kind of going back to the life I was suppose to have right now
When you're old and wrinkled and your penis doesn't work anymore
Not that's in great shape now
But in that old wrinkled dick less future will it seem like the right call?
Yes I think dropping out of med school because of a girl is stupid
No chasing after a girl who doesn't want me was definitely smart
I'm a doctor now I've saved probably millions of life
Because I'm brilliant
I've cured the zombie epidemic, remember that?
I'm the one who found the cure so you can just be all grateful shut up and stop questioning my decisions
Well it was supposed to be a secret but
Dude sits over here
Knocked me out
Oh, shit you've gotta a baby in you!
Congratulations!
That means the apocalypse is already started!
And you are the first person we told so you can't be mad at us anymore
And you have to forget pregnant people for everything they've ever done to you
-It's like a federal law -Damn
Wow I can't wait to meet this kid
And
We are having a going away party for Chantry
And you should come to it to say good bye
No
We have already said all our good byes
-Wallace? -No
Sorry I'm late
Bye, guys please be careful, take care of yourself
-I'm never gonna escape -Call me tomorrow -Bye
-Hey -Hey
-How are you? -I'm great how are you?
-Good -Good
So your new job is going to be amazing
And you'll get to live in Asia
-Yeah-I've heard Taiwan is incredible
-Yeah and your going to go back to med school -Yeah
-Yes-That is so great!
You think so?
No, actually I've always hated doctors so I pretty much think you'd become an Antichrist
Right and Taiwan is shit
Everything I said a second ago was a lie
And you will have an awful time because Chantry means Syphilis
-Well at least it'll be accurate! -Yeah exactly
So, how long until you'll see
people just like just stabs at me that you can
all cut up and set back together and not like actual
people with like real feelings
God hopefully as soon as possible I mean I'm practicing at night on
tiny defenseless animals and homeless people
Oh, good that's actually why homeless people are there for
-Yes, I know, they're like just bodies in waiting -Yeah
Especially for a sociopath
Especially for... Yeah that's with my girlfriend long time as you know to feel
Nothing
Yeah wouldn't be such a bad idea sometime
So Dublin
-It's ok -No it's not I'm really sorry
It was stupid and I know Ben is a good guy and he didn't deserve that
-Yeah -Yeah
So you two are ok?
I'm not sure
about anything
So I got really creative when I was cleaning up my fridge
And I did that
It's a "Fool's gold"
I even coated the loaf in butter
As you were supposed to
That's the real thing
I can't believe you did this
This is you're going away present
I don't know what to say
So I thought a lot about something you said
About how when you
realize how quickly everything can fall apart
Makes you wanna give up anything good ever again
What ever this is between us
It is good
It is so good it is actually the best thing has ever happened to me
And I don't want it to be over
I don't want it to be over either
Kind of wish you know like
We could invent a time machine or something
If we ever invent time travel I would go back to the night we met
-You would -Yes
What will you do differently?
Nothing
Me too
Hey Walter!
-Wallace -Oh, sorry
-It's so weird to see you here -Yeah really weird
-Where have you just coming from? -Taiwan -You've been in Taiwan this whole time
Yeah I was and I was doing some traveling with my...
My fiancé
You got engaged?
Yeah
Wow you know me too!
I don't want it to hide, I have nothing on this hand
So who's the incredibly lucky guy?
It's just this dude he stalks me all the way to Taiwan
Coincidence cause I actually followed my fiancée to Taiwan as well but I made out with her sister first is there something bad about this?
Come in here
Oh my God!
She loves it!
Wallace is not even a real doctor!
He's a real doctor he finished his degree
Allan in Asia we are not Asian
It's a legitimate medical training
-Wine please -Here ask him
After you had a baby if you eat the pussy that doesn't count as cannibalism?
You know that's not a really medical question right?
If the baby's hand is bigger than it's face will he have cancer?
No, it just means your baby has massive hands
Oh, what's going on here
Jesus
Wait can you write us a prescription or not
Oh God
Here goes my husband
I can't believe you have an husband
-That's crazy -You're weirding me out
Careful give me your hand
If you're basically up here alone like a total looser
Yeah but who's the bigger looser me for escaping up here or you for agreeing marrying me
No, that's me
If we fell you think I'll die or just became massively paralyzed
Probably just paralyzed
You'd be so screwed
Cause you'd have to stay married to me because if you didn't people would be like
He divorced with his wife immediately after she's became paralyzed from the waist down
-From the waist down? -Yeah -But so everything would still work down there right?
Yeah, I mean you know I wouldn't almost feel anything
I'd really done everything if you didn't just feel anything now
I don't wanna the sex beeing to good right away
I'm intentionally being much worse in bed than I actually am so
that it can just getting better and better forever
Very slowly over many many decades so that we'll have our sexual pick at our 90's
Yeah that's the plan actually
As if the last time we have sex is also the best and that actually kills you
That wouldn't be such a bad way to go
-We probably have to get down soon right? -Yes
We could stay here for another minute
Or maybe like forever